Jenxi Seow

The world through my eyes

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Vulnerability

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Being vulnerable is to be exposed to the possibility of being attacked physically or emotionally.

We are wired biologically to avoid vulnerability. Yet, humans are also social creatures that thrive on having people around us that we love. Loving takes trust and that means making ourselves vulnerable, to let people into our lives and be authentic. We do this in hope that the rewards would be worth the risks of vulnerability.

Many of us don’t realise that vulnerability is inevitable. No matter how we build emotional walls and psychological barriers, we still leave a door to let people in. The fact is, we are even more vulnerable without the social connections.

“In the beginning, people think vulnerability will make you weak, but it does the opposite. It shows you’re strong enough to care.”

Victoria Pratt

Stop trying to appear as though you aren’t vulnerable. No one is, and it is frustrating when you pretend to be. It shows that you are not trusting and it makes it hard for others to trust you, to be vulnerable with you.

Be vulnerable

Admitting your vulnerabilities can be very liberating. Admit that you don’t know something, or that you made a mistake, or simply apologising. You are being honest with yourself. Be vulnerable. You are… you. You show others that you are vulnerable and you create a safe environment where they can, too, drop their barriers and open up.

Some people might make fun of you when you let yourself be vulnerable. Take heart that they do so out of fear of their own vulnerability. More often than not, you’ll find the people around opening up as well.

“When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability… To be alive is to be vulnerable.”

Madeleine L’Engle

By being vulnerable, you are honest with yourself. Authenticity lets you better connect with who you are so you can identify where you need to improve. No one is perfect but not everyone is improving either. Those who are constantly becoming better will take steps closer towards perfection.

The more you are in touch with your vulnerability, the more you increase your resilience. Resilience lets you face and accept change. That’s a critical skill since change is the only constant in life.

Compartmentalising

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I have a habit of compartmentalising my routines. This helps me to minimise distractions and focus better.

Browsing

Safari is my primary browser. I have different windows running for different mindset I’m in. There is a window for marketing work, a window for designs and coding, a window for consuming content, and a window for content creation.

By putting what I do in different windows, I get into that mindset when I’m in that particular window.

Notes

As I get older, I find myself having to write down things more or I would forget them. I believe it is partly due to the information overload that we get nowadays, coupled with a less-used memory capacity.

Gone are the days when we had to memorise phone numbers and addresses. If you need any information, it’s all probably in your phone. Or you could just do an internet search.

I make quick notes in Apple Notes . It is the inbox for most information. These then get expanded upon and moved to Basecamp or Bear, depending on whether they are work or personal notes. When I read, I write down my thoughts. In this case, the notes go directly into Bear.

For meetings, I prefer not to touch my phone to avoid distractions and, more importantly, show respect to the people in the meeting. I would take notes in my pocket notebook with my trusty Lamy AL-Star

RSS feeds

I used to read both on my phone and laptop. However, I started the habit of taking notes when I read as part of my mindfulness exercise when reading. I think as I read, so I write down my thoughts as they pop up in my head. These often end up as blog drafts or outlines.

It is very hard to take notes while reading RSS feeds on the phone, so I stopped reading my feeds on the phone. My RSS reader of choice is Reeder.

Books

When I read books, I highlight text and write notes. I’ll share more about why I do that in another article. But this happens more when I read non-fiction books. So I keep my non-fiction reading on the MacBook and read fiction books when I’m on the phone.

I still highlight text on the phone, but I don’t take notes.

Emails

I only check my emails on the laptop. The Mail app on my phone is only for emergencies in case I need to reply or check an urgent message. Other than that, my emails are checked once or twice daily when I’m on the MacBook.

Despite being a firm believer of communicating via emails instead of having meetings, I also limit the time I spend going through emails each day because it can suddenly be a slippery slope down a rabbit hole that eats up a huge chunk of time.

Conclusion

These are some of the ways I help myself to stick to my habits. They minimise distractions and help me to focus. More importantly, they creating a mental state that puts me in the mood for each routine.

Mac iCloud Drive

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I have been using iCloud Drive for a while, then macOS Catalina revamped the Mac file system but moving most of the files into iCloud Drive.

My old 15″ MacBook Pro upgraded to Catalina and gave me a taste of what it is like. When I got the new 16″ MacBook Pro, I decided to do a clean install and move my files in. I had half of the work done for me. After I set up iCloud Drive on the new MacBook, the iCloud files on the old MacBook was synced on the new MacBook via iCloud Drive. It is pretty amazing how the files are synced so quickly over iCloud Drive.

File sharing

Sharing files and folders has been a problem. Dropbox was a good solution, but it felt slower and it was a clunky third party add-on. I had to stop using it because it doesn’t work in China, even with VPN.

So I started using Google Drive and OneDrive for file sharing to varying degrees of success and (dis)satisfaction. File sharing is important for my work because my teams needs to sync documents that different people work on. These could be huge Photoshop or XD documents, where speed would affect how fast we can pass the documents to the next person.

One workaround is to use Figma for collaborative graphic design, but the interface is still not as responsive compared to a native Mac app such as Sketch or XD.

Google Drive only works with VPN, and some times doesn’t work even with VPN. OneDrive syncs pretty well and doesn’t need VPN. However, it is a third party app like Dropbox and there were still occasional issues with the app and sync.

We waited for the highly-anticipated iCloud Drive file sharing ever since it was announced. And it has been a delight. File sync is fast and it works regardless of my internet environment.

Cloud backup

Roughly 95% of my files are all on iCloud Drive. On Catalina, everything is on iCloud Drive, aside from the applications folder and system files, which are on a separate partition. This means all that your files are synced on iCloud unless you place them in a folder outside iCloud Drive.

An interesting feature for users with smaller disk space is iCloud’s unloading feature. It will move less used files and folders to iCloud, off your local storage to free up space. When you need the files, it will download them. This helps you to maximise the free space while clearing out less used items, bringing them back only when you need them.

I haven’t had much experience with that since my files are mostly on local storage, but the few times I had to download files that were synced from the old MacBook Pro, the files downloaded fast enough that I have no complaints.

Cloud is the future

As you can tell, my experience thus far has been incredible. It is beyond my expectations and I’m a very happy user. This has helped me reduce my reliance on backing up to an external hard drive. Instead of constantly worrying about backing up my data, it just works.

Of course, I’ve had BackBlaze for many years. BackBlaze is a subscription backup service and it has saved me several times over the years. It is worth every penny spent. However, it doesn’t back up system files, which I believe iCloud does.

Even with BackBlaze, I would still have to do regular TimeMachine back ups to an external drive. And I would also use Carbon Copy Cloner to clone my Mac hard drive and also my TimeMachine drive, just to be safe.

Cloud backups has allowed me to do less frequent backups. While I do worry that iCloud Drive might fail me at some point, I can at least know that it will back me up most of the time, pun intended.

Economy class

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This is about a song by KAFE.HU,《经济舱》. He performed it in the tenth episode of Rap of China 2020.

The song went viral a couple of months ago with its catchy tune and lyrics that many listeners resonated with.

English translation

Top verse partner with Li Ronghao
Thank you to all of you, who voted for our team
But for this live song, I have no existing lyrics that fits
So I was preparing my soul, to stay up and write all night
When I turned on my computer, the competition I went through
Become yet another draft

As I sat in the economy-class, and flew to this place
From the hotel window, I watched the moon and think of home
My age, you could say I’m young but not that young
When it comes to new things, I can’t take my eyes of them
Thinking of how I can become the champion

Let the cheers no longer remain, illusions in the deep of night
I treat rhyming, like playing the piano
While my melancholy, perhaps needs a Band-Aid
To protect some wounds, to protect some secrets
Let them ferment then uncover, and I’ll write a song for you

I sat beside the window at seat 46A
I met a fan, and he looked slightly astonished
Are you kidding
A rapper sitting in economy-class, doesn’t it hurt your pride
I said this is, the road leading to success
Ended our conversation, silent thousands of metres in the sky
The silence reminded me of, my own mother
To think that was our, final phone call, Mum

Every time I mourn that you in the heavens
At the moment the moonlight shines through the clouds into the window
I hope my hopes won’t be dashed by a speck of dust
That person’s hope floats lightly in economy-class
I hope expressions in the front and back rows won’t be somber
I hope the distance between you and I are not obstructed
Have your trajectory gone off course
Are your hopes still rooted in reality

Ladies and gentlemen
Key.L Liu Cong

Busy phone lines, are everywhere this starry night
Sing along gently with me, even if you’re sitting in economy-class
Busy phone lines, no signal above the clouds
Don’t be nervous when in love, life is not an arena

A steady heart fears stopping in mediocrity the most
Like a piece of ice, forgetting what it’s like to be water
Homie, you are so desperate, of course you need confidence
A hawk, can’t remain attached to the horizon
This cabin seat can’t see, that people outside the window get what they ask for
Before a seed sprouts it fights with the soil, until it is neighbours with the sky
Incredible tenacity, comes from experience
Don’t doubt, the unchanging nights
Those footprints overcome hardships, helping me defeat pride and laziness
When I’m disheartened by the pressure, and forced to the threshold
I understand the meaning of the word champion

Yeah let’s begin
Like-minded people, don’t stop thinking about them
Debride the wounds, and face the bitter cold once more
I sit in economy-class, but my heart is in the horizon
Sing along gently with me, sitting in economy-class

Busy phone lines, are everywhere this starry night
Seeing the mountains beyond mountains, despite sitting in economy-class
Come on
Busy phone lines, no signal above the clouds
To become best of the best, even if he sits in economy-class
He said
Busy phone lines, are everywhere this starry night
Sing along gently with me, even if you’re sitting in economy-class
Everybody
Busy phone lines, no signal above the clouds
Don’t be nervous when in love, life is not an arena

Like-minded people, don’t stop thinking about them
Debride the wounds, and face the bitter cold once more
I sit in economy-class, but my heart is in the horizon
Sing along gently with me, sitting in economy-class

Like-minded people, don’t stop thinking about them
Debride the wounds, and face the bitter cold once more
I sit in economy-class, but my heart is in the horizon
Sing along gently with me, sitting in economy-class

The broadcast announced our arrival, leaving an echo
During the trip, I didn’t close my eyes to catch any sleep
In the night, like a signal light in the sea
The stewardess said see you again, mister, very courteous
My headphones ran out of battery, without music I’m brought back to reality
Certain emotions I can’t forget, as ai jump onto the noisy stage from economy-class

Original lyrics in Chinese

上端verse合作给李荣浩
感谢所有人 投给我们的票
但这首歌的现场 我没词可以套
所以灵魂继续熬 准备写一个通宵
当我打开了电脑 经历的比赛
又成为草稿

坐上经济舱 来到这个地方
隔着酒店的窗 望着月亮思故乡
我的年龄 说新不算新
对于新事物 总目不转睛
心里面想怎么拿冠军

让喝彩不在成为 深夜的幻听
我把押韵 比喻成钢琴
而我的忧郁 是否需要张邦迪
保护一些伤 保护一些秘密
等他发酵揭开后 我写歌送给你
46A我靠窗边坐下

遇见了歌迷 他略显得惊讶
开玩笑吗 Rapper坐在经济舱
面子伤不伤 我说这是
通往成功的方向 结束谈话
沉默在万米高空上 耳机隔音
仿佛身旁空荡荡 安静让我容易想起
自己的妈妈 没想到那是我们
最后一通电话妈妈

每次当我想悼念你在天上
透过窗月光洒下云层的刹那
希望不会因为一粒灰尘而泡汤
那人的希望轻轻飘在经济舱
希望前后排的表情别哭丧
希望我和你之间的距离没阻挡
你的轨迹有没有偏航
你所希望的是否发生在实际上

Ladies and gentlemen
Key.L刘聪

拨不通的电话 遍布星辰的晚上
跟我轻轻唱 就算你在经济舱
拨不通的电话 信号丢失云层上
爱就别紧张 生活不是竞技场

平常心最怕平常中停歇
像块冰 忘了 be water 的经验
Homie 说你这么拼 当然需要信心

鹰 不可以留恋地平线
这仓位毕竟看不见 窗外的人有求必应
种子发芽前和泥土比拼 直到足以和天空比邻
不可思议的韧性来自经历 你别不信
一律千篇的夜 那些足印涉过艰险
帮我灭却骄傲惰性 当被压抑沮丧逼到临界
了解 champion 的翻译是冠军 Yeah let’s begin
心心相印的人 别停止想念
伤口清清创 并着疯再次凛冽
身在经济舱 可我心在天边
和我轻轻唱在经济舱

拨不通的电话 遍布星辰的晚上
看到山外山 虽然我在经济舱
Come on
拨不通的电话 信号丢失云层上
要做人上人 虽然他在经济舱
他说
拨不通的电话 遍布星辰的晚上
跟我轻轻唱 就算你在经济舱
Everybody
拨不通的电话 信号丢失云层上
爱就别紧张 生活不是竞技场
心心相印的人 别停止想念
伤口清清创 并着风再次凛冽
身在经济舱 可我心在天边
和我轻轻唱 在经济舱
心心相印的人 别停止想念
伤口清清创 并着风再次凛冽
身在经济舱 可我心在天边
和我轻轻唱 在经济舱

广播通知到达 留下回声
旅途中 没有闭眼睛睡一觉
黑夜中 像在海上的信号灯
空姐说再见先生 很有礼貌
耳机用光了电池 没有音乐我又回到了现实
某种情绪再忘不掉 从经济舱跳上舞台的喧闹

Online shopping in China

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Shopping online in China is a unique experience due to the massive logistics network and the immense amount of vendors available.

I often get asked about how ecommerce works in China. This article serves as a place to point people to when they are curious about the topic. Instead of me retelling the same answers and often missing points here and there, this serves as a place to collect and pen down my thoughts and experiences.

Main players

The two biggest platforms are JD.com, also known internationally as JoyBuy, and Taobao. They are in the Tencent and Alibaba ecosystems respectively. The competition between the two ecosystems is an interesting topic that deserves its own article.

As an Alibaba service, Taobao naturally only accepts payments from AliPay. JD is a member of the Tencent ecosystem and thus only takes payments from Tencent’s WeChat Pay. Of course, each platform also accepts payment by linking bank cards, and JD has its JD Quick Pass service that allows payment via ApplePay.

Other smaller platforms include:

  • Vipshop aka VIP.com – the third largest after JD and Taobao.
  • Dangdang – the second largest B2C (business-to-consumer) after JD.
  • Pinduoduo – a platform that initially focused on group buys before changing to a marketplace model.

Taobao/Tmall

Taobao is the first major ecommerce platform. It operates with a marketplace model where vendors can register and sell their products in their stores. Taobao was less regulated in the early days and it gained a bad reputation due to scams and counterfeit products.

To increase consumer trust in the platform, Alibaba rolled out Tmall, a platform for brand owners or authorised distributors. The approval process is stricter compared to Taobao and vendors had to pay a RMB 150,000 deposit on top of an annual fee of RMB 60,000 to sell on the platform. Tmall products and stores are searchable within Taobao, and users can choose to view only Tmall vendors in their searches if they prefer to buy only from verified and reliable vendors.

Items sold by vendors within the same province as you usually ship within 2 days. Vendors from other provinces will ship within 7 days.

Customer service

You can find almost anything on Taobao. We purchased supplies, equipment, and decoration for our cafe on Taobao.

Since Taobao is a C2C (consumer-to-consumer) platform, you can often negotiate with the seller. This is something that blew my mind. When I purchased online via eBay or Amazon, I bought what the vendors sold. Taobao has a live chat feature and most vendors reply almost immediately.

You can request for customised products, bargain for a better price or request for free shipping if you are purchasing in bulk. Customer service can also give suggestions or recommendations based on your preferences and requirements.

Returns

Returning items bought on Taobao used to be more troublesome. However, due to the hassle-free service JD provides, Taobao has become more competitive.

Most products come with a 7-day return policy, unless they are perishable or products that can’t be returned. Most vendors provide 7-day no questions asked return policy. This means you don’t need to provide a reason for returning or wait for the vendor to approve the return. The platform will automatically process the return if it is within the return window period.

One thing to look out for is the shipping fee insurance. Not all vendors provide shipping fee insurance. This means you will have to bear the cost of the return shipping. For products with shipping fee insurance, you still need to pay the cost of the return shipping but the platform will refund you the shipping fee once the vendor receives the returned item.

In the past, you would have to bring the parcel to a distribution spot in the neighbourhood to drop off the returned item. It is actually not that big of a hassle because this is usually within 200 metres from where you live.

Nowadays, the delivery person will come to your doorstep to pick up the item. Just select your preferred collection date and time when you process the return in the app. Alternatively, you can choose to leave the parcel in the nearest collection locker, which is available in every apartment block lobby nowadays, and the delivery person will collect it when they come to drop off parcels in the lockers.

JD.com

JD differentiated itself from Taobao through a B2C model. Brands supply their products to JD and the platform manages the logistics including warehousing and fulfilment.

JD is known for its speedy delivery. Since products are sold by JD rather than third-party vendors, they undergo strict a curation process to ensure that the products are genuine and of good quality.

I purchase my groceries, toiletries and other household items from JD because of JD’s partnership with Walmart. If I run out of rice, cooking oil or dog food, I know I can place an order immediately and receive the items on the same day or in the next morning.

Same or next day delivery

If you purchase before 10 am, it is usually a same-day delivery unless your item is out of stocks in the nearest warehouse. For purchases made after 10 am and before 11pm, the orders will be delivered the next morning.

The app will let you know the estimated delivery time before you place an order. Instead of shipping all your products together, items from the same dispatch location will be shipped together. This means that if you order 3 items and 1 of them is out of stocks, the other 2 items will be shipped first and the third item dispatched from the next nearest warehouse.

Such delivery speeds means JD is the go-to platform if you need your orders to be delivered quick.

JD warranty

I purchase electronics through JD because of the awesome warranty and return policy. JD trumps Taobao in terms of its return service and warranty. For many electronic products, JD offer additional warranty extensions. This means that JD will cover for repairs beyond the manufacturers warranty period.

JD offers a 7-day return with no questions asked policy. This means you can try an item and return it if you don’t like it. Of course, you have to make sure that the item is not damaged and retain the original packaging. The item is picked up by the JD delivery person. Each neighbourhood is serviced by a few JD delivery staff. They personalise their service to, uh, deliver the best customer experience.

JD service

My JD delivery guy knows the time of the day I’m at home so he will try to delivery heavy and bulky items during those times so he can bring them right to my doorstep. If I’m not around, the building security would not allow him to come upstairs. He would have to leave them in the lobby and I would have to carry the items up myself. If he’s unsure of the time, he would call to check before making the delivery.

Such outstanding service is a company-wide standard. I’ve had a different delivery person for each neighbourhood I’ve lived in and for different office locations, and the service standard is always the same. This is why I prefer to purchase from JD even if an item is cheaper on Taobao.

Taobao still uses third-party shipping services, so the service standard varies and certain shipping services refuse to bear the cost of the return shipping. For example, we tried to return a display bought off Taobao on the day we received it. However, the shipping service refused to accept the returned item because they could not cover the cost of the insurance. They asked us to ship via another shipping service and bear the additional cost of the shipping insurance.

Until Taobao has its own fulfilment service, I doubt they will be able to catch up with JD in terms of customer experience and satisfaction.

Vendor marketplace

JD has a third-party marketplace where verified vendors sell their products on the platform. I rarely purchase from these sellers. The exception is when they provide imported products that JD does not offer. The drawback of purchasing from third-party vendors is the that they use their own shipping service that is slower than JD’s. Even if they are fulfilled by JD, it is still not as fast as products fulfilled from JD’s warehouse.

JD Plus membership

Taobao has a membership program, but I don’t buy enough from Taobao to warrant subscribing. I purchase almost all my household supplies from JD, so it’s a no-brainer to sign up for JD’s Plus membership.

For an annual fee of RMB 99, I get 5% off my purchases, enjoy members-only discounts and shipping no minimum order amount for free shipping. JD requires a minimum order of RMB 99 for free shipping. I save at least RMB 99 per month with JD Plus.

Other platforms

I’m very pampered by JD, and Taobao vendors generally provide good services. So I haven’t found the need to purchase using other platforms. I won’t comment on the platforms since I don’t use them. If I do venture to try them, I’ll definitely write about my experience.

Once I Though of Ending It for Good

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This is about a song by Mika Nakashima,《僕が死のうと思ったのは》(Boku ga Shinou to Omotta no Wa).

I’ve been a Mika fan since she sang “Find the Way”, the third ending theme for Mobile Suit Gundam SEED. Her performance in the live action movie Nana as the titular character, and the film’s theme song “Glamorous Sky” sealed her status as one of my favourite female Japanese singers alongside Ayumi Hamasaki.

This was the closing song of her 2015 concert. She was diagnosed with patulous Eustachian tubes in both ears in 2010. In this live performance, you can see her trying to keep the beat with her feet because of her condition. And it was a heartfelt rendition that speaks of her emotions and how they resonated with the lyrics.

This is a longer version without subtitles. It has segment before the singing where she gave a background of the song.

“Honestly, I was actually very surprised when I first received this song. However, after listening to the song, I was in tears when it ended. I felt my steeled heart softening instantly. This is a song that represents my deepest feelings. Everyone of you present definitely had a time where you were lost and depressed. Asking, ‘Why things never turn out as expected?’”

“Today, I’ll express everyone’s deepest feelings through this song. So, please listen to this song till the end.”

English translation

The reason why I thought I’d die is because black-tailed gulls chirped on a pier
Appeared and disappeared drifting on the waves, flying away and picking my past as they go
The reason why I thought I’d die is because apricot blossoms bloomed on my birthday
Can I become the soil with dead bugs if I nap under the sunbeams filtering through foliage?

Mint candy, lighthouse at a fishing port, rusty arch bridge, abandoned bicycle
In front of a stove at a wooden station house, my heart can’t set out anywhere
Today looks like yesterday, if we wanna change tomorrow we should change today
I know, I know… but…

The reason why I thought I’d die is because my heart went blank
The reason why I cry over being unsatisfied is surely because I wanna be satisfied

The reason why I thought I’d die is because the shoelace got undone
I’m not good at connecting things together, the same goes with human relationships
The reason why I thought I’d die is because the boy was gazing at me
I’m getting down on my knees on a bed to apologize to myself on that day

Dim-light of a computer, sounds of life coming from upstairs
Sounds of interphone chimes, boy covering his ears in a birdcage
Don Quixote who’s fighting with an invisible enemy in a six-mat room
Goal must be ugly anyway

The reason why I thought I’d die is because I was called a cold person
The reason why I cry for being loved is because I’ve got to learn the warmth of others

The reason why I thought I’d die is because of your gentle laugh
The reason why I only consider dying is because I am way too serious to live on

The reason why I thought I’d die is because I hadn’t met you yet
I fell in love with this world a little more where people like you were born
I will place my hope in this world a little bit where people like you are alive.

Original lyrics in Romanji

Boku ga shinou to omotta no wa umineko ga sanbashi de naitakara
Nami no manima ni ukande kieru kako mo tuibande tonde ike
Boku ga shinou to omotta no wa tanjoubi ni anzu no hana ga saitakara
Sono komorebi de utatane shitara mushi no shigai to tsuchi ni nareru ka na

Hakkaame gyokou no toudai sabita āchi-kyou suteta jitensha
Mokuzou no eki no sutoobu no mae de dokoni mo tabidatenai kokoro
Kyou wa marude kinou mitaida ashita o kaerunara kyou o kaenakya
Wakatteru wakatteru keredo

Boku ga shinou to omotta no wa kokoro ga karappo ni nattakara
Mitasarenai to naite iru no wa kitto mitasaretai to negaukara

Boku ga shinou to omotta no wa kutsuhimo ga hodoketa kara
Musubi naosu no wa nigatena nda yo hito to no tsunagari mo mata shikari
Boku ga shinou to omotta no wa shounen ga boku o mitsumete itakara
Beddo no ue de dogeza shi teru yo ano hi no boku ni gomen’nasai to

Pasokon no usu akari joukai no heya no seikatsu-on
Intāfon no chaimu no oto mimiwofusagu torikago no shounen
Mienaiteki to tatakatteru rokujouhitoma no donkihoute
Gouru wa douse hidoi mono sa

Boku ga shinou to omotta no wa tsumetai hito to iwa retakara
Aisaretai to naite iru no wa hito no nukumori o shitte shimattakara

Boku ga shinou to omotta no wa anata ga kirei ni waraukara
Shinu koto bakari kangaete shimau no wa kitto ikiru koto ni majime sugirukara

Boku ga shinou to omotta no wa mada anata ni deattenakattakara
Anata no youna hito ga umareta sekai o sukoshi suki ni natta yo

Anata no youna hito ga iki teru sekai ni sukoshi kitai suru yo

Original lyrics in Japanese

僕が死のうと思ったのは　ウミネコが桟橋で鳴いたから
波の随意に浮かんで消える　過去も啄ばんで飛んでいけ
僕が死のうと思ったのは　誕生日に杏の花が咲いたから
その木漏れ日でうたた寝したら　虫の死骸と土になれるかな

薄荷飴　漁港の灯台　錆びたアーチ橋　捨てた自転車
木造の駅のストーブの前で　どこにも旅立てない心
今日はまるで昨日みたいだ　明日を変えるなら今日を変えなきゃ
分かってる　分かってる　けれど

僕が死のうと思ったのは　心が空っぽになったから
満たされないと泣いているのは　きっと満たされたいと願うから

僕が死のうと思ったのは　靴紐が解けたから
結びなおすのは苦手なんだよ　人との繋がりもまた然り
僕が死のうと思ったのは　少年が僕を見つめていたから
ベッドの上で土下座してるよ　あの日の僕にごめんなさいと

パソコンの薄明かり　上階の部屋の生活音
インターフォンのチャイムの音　耳を塞ぐ鳥かごの少年
見えない敵と戦ってる　六畳一間のドンキホーテ
ゴールはどうせ醜いものさ

僕が死のうと思ったのは　冷たい人と言われたから
愛されたいと泣いているのは　人の温もりを知ってしまったから

僕が死のうと思ったのは　あなたが綺麗に笑うから
死ぬことばかり考えてしまうのは　きっと生きる事に真面目すぎるから

僕が死のうと思ったのは　まだあなたに出会ってなかったから
あなたのような人が生まれた　世界を少し好きになったよ

あなたのような人が生きてる　世界に少し期待するよ

Credits:
English translation: http://lyrics.kumonoito.net/eng/bokuga.html
Romanji lyrics: http://beautifulsonglyrics.blogspot.com/2013/08/mika-nakashima-boku-ga-shino-to-
Kanji lyrics: http://mojim.com/twy102241x52x1.htm