Once I Thought of Ending It for Good

This is about a song by Mika Nakashima,《僕が死のうと思ったのは》(Boku ga Shinou to Omotta no Wa).

I’ve been a Mika fan since she sang “Find the Way”, the third ending theme for Mobile Suit Gundam SEED. Her performance in the live action movie Nana as the titular character, and the film’s theme song “Glamorous Sky” sealed her status as one of my favourite female Japanese singers alongside Ayumi Hamasaki.

This was the closing song of her 2015 concert. She was diagnosed with patulous Eustachian tubes in both ears in 2010. In this live performance, you can see her trying to keep the beat with her feet because of her condition. And it was a heartfelt rendition that speaks of her emotions and how they resonated with the lyrics.

This is a longer version without subtitles. It has segment before the singing where she gave a background of the song.

“Honestly, I was actually very surprised when I first received this song. However, after listening to the song, I was in tears when it ended. I felt my steeled heart softening instantly. This is a song that represents my deepest feelings. Everyone of you present definitely had a time where you were lost and depressed. Asking, ‘Why things never turn out as expected?’”

“Today, I’ll express everyone’s deepest feelings through this song. So, please listen to this song till the end.”

English translation

The reason why I thought I’d die is because black-tailed gulls chirped on a pier
Appeared and disappeared drifting on the waves, flying away and picking my past as they go
The reason why I thought I’d die is because apricot blossoms bloomed on my birthday
Can I become the soil with dead bugs if I nap under the sunbeams filtering through foliage?

Mint candy, lighthouse at a fishing port, rusty arch bridge, abandoned bicycle
In front of a stove at a wooden station house, my heart can’t set out anywhere
Today looks like yesterday, if we wanna change tomorrow we should change today
I know, I know… but…

The reason why I thought I’d die is because my heart went blank
The reason why I cry over being unsatisfied is surely because I wanna be satisfied

The reason why I thought I’d die is because the shoelace got undone
I’m not good at connecting things together, the same goes with human relationships
The reason why I thought I’d die is because the boy was gazing at me
I’m getting down on my knees on a bed to apologize to myself on that day

Dim-light of a computer, sounds of life coming from upstairs
Sounds of interphone chimes, boy covering his ears in a birdcage
Don Quixote who’s fighting with an invisible enemy in a six-mat room
Goal must be ugly anyway

The reason why I thought I’d die is because I was called a cold person
The reason why I cry for being loved is because I’ve got to learn the warmth of others

The reason why I thought I’d die is because of your gentle laugh
The reason why I only consider dying is because I am way too serious to live on

The reason why I thought I’d die is because I hadn’t met you yet
I fell in love with this world a little more where people like you were born
I will place my hope in this world a little bit where people like you are alive.

Original lyrics in Romanji

Boku ga shinou to omotta no wa umineko ga sanbashi de naitakara
Nami no manima ni ukande kieru kako mo tuibande tonde ike
Boku ga shinou to omotta no wa tanjoubi ni anzu no hana ga saitakara
Sono komorebi de utatane shitara mushi no shigai to tsuchi ni nareru ka na

Hakkaame gyokou no toudai sabita āchi-kyou suteta jitensha
Mokuzou no eki no sutoobu no mae de dokoni mo tabidatenai kokoro
Kyou wa marude kinou mitaida ashita o kaerunara kyou o kaenakya
Wakatteru wakatteru keredo

Boku ga shinou to omotta no wa kokoro ga karappo ni nattakara
Mitasarenai to naite iru no wa kitto mitasaretai to negaukara

Boku ga shinou to omotta no wa kutsuhimo ga hodoketa kara
Musubi naosu no wa nigatena nda yo hito to no tsunagari mo mata shikari
Boku ga shinou to omotta no wa shounen ga boku o mitsumete itakara
Beddo no ue de dogeza shi teru yo ano hi no boku ni gomen’nasai to

Pasokon no usu akari joukai no heya no seikatsu-on
Intāfon no chaimu no oto mimiwofusagu torikago no shounen
Mienaiteki to tatakatteru rokujouhitoma no donkihoute
Gouru wa douse hidoi mono sa

Boku ga shinou to omotta no wa tsumetai hito to iwa retakara
Aisaretai to naite iru no wa hito no nukumori o shitte shimattakara

Boku ga shinou to omotta no wa anata ga kirei ni waraukara
Shinu koto bakari kangaete shimau no wa kitto ikiru koto ni majime sugirukara

Boku ga shinou to omotta no wa mada anata ni deattenakattakara
Anata no youna hito ga umareta sekai o sukoshi suki ni natta yo

Anata no youna hito ga iki teru sekai ni sukoshi kitai suru yo

Original lyrics in Japanese

僕が死のうと思ったのは ウミネコが桟橋で鳴いたから
波の随意に浮かんで消える 過去も啄ばんで飛んでいけ
僕が死のうと思ったのは 誕生日に杏の花が咲いたから
その木漏れ日でうたた寝したら 虫の死骸と土になれるかな

薄荷飴 漁港の灯台 錆びたアーチ橋 捨てた自転車
木造の駅のストーブの前で どこにも旅立てない心
今日はまるで昨日みたいだ 明日を変えるなら今日を変えなきゃ
分かってる 分かってる けれど

僕が死のうと思ったのは 心が空っぽになったから
満たされないと泣いているのは きっと満たされたいと願うから

僕が死のうと思ったのは 靴紐が解けたから
結びなおすのは苦手なんだよ 人との繋がりもまた然り
僕が死のうと思ったのは 少年が僕を見つめていたから
ベッドの上で土下座してるよ あの日の僕にごめんなさいと

パソコンの薄明かり 上階の部屋の生活音
インターフォンのチャイムの音 耳を塞ぐ鳥かごの少年
見えない敵と戦ってる 六畳一間のドンキホーテ
ゴールはどうせ醜いものさ

僕が死のうと思ったのは 冷たい人と言われたから
愛されたいと泣いているのは 人の温もりを知ってしまったから

僕が死のうと思ったのは あなたが綺麗に笑うから
死ぬことばかり考えてしまうのは きっと生きる事に真面目すぎるから

僕が死のうと思ったのは まだあなたに出会ってなかったから
あなたのような人が生まれた 世界を少し好きになったよ

あなたのような人が生きてる 世界に少し期待するよ

Credits:
English translation: http://lyrics.kumonoito.net/eng/bokuga.html
Romanji lyrics: http://beautifulsonglyrics.blogspot.com/2013/08/mika-nakashima-boku-ga-shino-to-
Kanji lyrics: http://mojim.com/twy102241x52x1.htm